All you folks think you run my life
Say I should be willing to compromise
I say all you demons go back to hell
I’ll save my soul save myself…
-Tracy Chapman, “Crossroads”
i’ve had a hell of a bad week, folks; without going into explicit detail, it’s been full of things i don’t really want to deal with. and i say this not because i want your pity but because i am indeed at a crossroads, much like the one Ms. Chapman mentions in referencing a certain Robert Johnson tune, “Cross Road Blues”, which is supposedly about selling your soul to the Devil but is really about being Black and trying to get the hell out of Clarksdale, Mississippi before dark.
i’ve come to a point of frustration, you see. my stupid idealism has run into a sandbar and i realize that no matter how much theory i can hit it with, the “trans community” as we know it, mindlessly following the transfundamentalist thought process, has no desire to change and those of us who do not fit their very narrow definitions, i realize, are never going to be allowed in. theory, even if 15,000 of you have read it (and thanks for each and every one of those 15,000 views, readers…it’s quite humbling!) isn’t changing anything, and i feel like there’s this bad moment where i look back and realize i’m fighting a battle that is completely futile. i feel not unlike Mylène Farmer at the end of the “Desénchantée” video [TW: violence against children, gulag setting], where all there is is tundra all around. i’m still isolated and i don’t see that’s going to change anytime soon, and there’s never going to be a local outlet which isn’t the 300-pound gorilla which is the support group structure here, and that 300-pound gorilla is very fond of its isms and phobias because they keep a very narrow transfundamentalist mindset in charge. rather than open their resources to people who don’t attend the support group, they keep them locked down with an iron fist, and nobody gets any information. i’ve asked nicely, more than once, why they can’t publish a current version of their resource list in the name of broadening the availability of their information for those of us who need trans-friendly medical professionals, and those of y’all who need to know safe electrologists, laser providers, voice therapists, clothing stores, etc. i’ve asked, extremely politely, about six times over the past four years…they’ve never answered their email once…you do the math.
the problem is twofold, as these problems always are: the trans woman fairy tale that once you’re post-transition you have no need for community or trans-friendly anything because you can go to “any doctor” and you have “normal friends” and all is toxic and blatantly, completely false; when you couple this with the culture of exclusion, well-summarized in A Heinous Butch’s “Communities Built on Exclusion”, you end up with a treehouse built on these lies, but this is definitely a rehash of things we already have discussed at length and this is a recap of the problem, no more. i do think it’s terribly curious that the HBSer “successful transsexuals” stay in the scene to run things when they’re post-transition but they ridicule someone like me for reaching out from the position of being post-transition. it’s very, very confusing, but like all their double standards, it’s not to be questioned unless you want them lashing out at you.
i guess what i’m wondering is how the hell to persevere and get around the treehouse and to convince people who are working to uphold it who would ordinarily be more rational that they need to stop aiding and abetting our own oppression because they think they have to or that it’s the only way they can buy safety. the internet is great and all, but it’s limited, and travel isn’t an option for everyone given that it’s expensive and it doesn’t solve problems like a wholesale lack of medical access (or access to information about trans-friendly medical providers) in your area. it doesn’t solve that local isolation is frustrating to deal with because when you travel and return home, it’s right back into the darkness…i’m dealing with that this week, actually.
the crossroads i’m at is that i don’t know how to do this, and i don’t think any of us has the brilliant idea which will fix everything. i’ve got no map here, and i’m pretty lost…i wonder how we can build safer space online…you know, like what forums like trueselves promise and fail horribly to deliver on, because i think that would end up being part of how to build safer space offline and avoid the treehouses that keep many of us out and keep trans and questioning people from being able to ask questions and learn in safer space. it would be nice to be able to have space where you don’t have to edit yourself for safety from self-appointed judgmental and hateful queen bees, but…i don’t know how to do it, and the inability to come up with answers is frustrating and flustering me. i’ve come to the conclusion things will never change without building community, but i don’t know how to build community and i don’t know how to get around the treehouse. i’d love to hear your ideas…because how can we grow without each other working together? that shouldn’t just be an option for those who are “perfect” enough for the transfundamentalists, it should be an option for all of us. now how the hell do we do it?
I think the internet is a refuge for alot of us who had to deal with the trans gatekeepers. It really makes me sad that there even is such a thing as trans gatekeepers. At least here on the internet we can communicate with others that have faced similar kinds of experiences that don’t fit their perfect little trans model.
More safe spaces on the internet would be an amazing idea but I have found any large trans space eventually had the transfundamentalists come in and take over since they tend to be much more organized and vocal. Wish I had a better solution for that. I think perhaps just an information clearing house would be amazing. I try to share what I know now with anyone I can.
I found out last year btw that I had easy access to hormones and such in my community. I found out after years and years of asking for help from trans support people in my city. They knew all along. They delayed my access to medical care for at least an extra two years. An extra two years in which I tried to end my life at least once. They nearly killed me. My own community.
I will never be like them, I will never say im transitioned and done with my community. I will never be ashamed to be near anyone who identifies as trans no matter what kind of experiences, appearance or life and challenges they have had. I will never portion out my aid based on who is acceptable to me.
This is an amazing post and I really hope it helps with the discussion to make accepting, inclusive spaces a reality. We need them
There’s two meanings of community, here.
1. The people who you have some set of problems in common with.
2. Your chosen community, analogous to chosen family, the people you care about and work with.
If you achieve good things, it’s going to benefit both kinds. And statements like “trans people are oppressed” relate to both kinds.
But, I suggest you only attach yourself emotionally to #2, your chosen community.
As for that “support group”, what I’d probably do if I was in that situation is try and connect up with others and create a rival inclusive group from scratch, up to and including gathering your own resources list and establishing contacts with clinicians. Also picket them with signs, because they suck.
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Don’t want to sound presumptuous here, but I’d like to write up something inspired by this that… well to borrow the metaphor, could be the start of a map? I’d like to give credit when posting this attempt, and I write over at Queereka, so if any part of that effort feels uncomfortable, or if you’d strongly prefer more direct input on that process (hell, could get a few folks in and make it a public discussion), I’ll respect your preferences and needs.
I don’t tend to disclose as much of my experiences in my writing, so suffice it to say, I hear you and see the same need.
i would be honored to hear your thoughts! i vary greatly between heavy on the personal experiences and heavy on the theory depending…anyways, toss me a pingback when you post and i’ll drop you an email later on today so we have each others contact info.
It’ll likely be a while before I post, and if you do want to share ideas it might be best to do that before I do, hopefully this has my email saved in your records? Want to make sure at very least what I do is in the real spirit of what you’ve written and in solidarity
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