so i made it, what, ten days…this afternoon, in banning a few IPs from posting comments to my blog due to their pathological need to spam the crap out of my blogness, i had a little thought about the whole “bitter and angry” thing. by the way, banned IPs, it’s been nice knowing you, please stop telling me how ugly you know i am.
i’ve been thinking a lot about the whole game of labeling any criticism whatsoever as “bitter and angry”, a tag which has stung since the first time someone dispensed it on me for speaking up, and you know what? it’s time to claim that some anger (and by extension some bitterness) is damn well justified.
this is an uncomfortable reality for some because it means questioning both the “smile or die” paradigm that has suffused Western society as well as that it’s hitting back at transfundamentalism, which remains the smelly elephant in the room of the “trans community” no matter how we try to spin it because when transfundamentalists dominate spaces, they work to exclude rather than include.
so what i’m saying is that i ask that you see where i’m coming from: i’ve lived most of my life in isolation, i move to a city which is allegedly a safer place to be trans, i try to get involved with the community through the one vector everyone recites (going to their “support group”) and get nothing but rejection, told how coyote ugly i am, told how much surgery i “need” and then called a “r**ard” and “it” to boot. thus, back into isolation, since apparently you can’t propose to talk it out with the wonderful facilitator who thinks it’s fun to call you “it” as there’s no way to contact anyone from the group other than an email which never gets answered…but if you want to connect to the “trans community” the support group is literally the only point of contact anyone ever discusses…so if you’re me, and not “good enough” to be allowed, you’ve got nothing and isolation it is.
i mean, can’t you see how that might make someone a touch “bitter and angry”? how about when the information about safe medical professionals in the area isn’t shared outside said group? how about when you ask nicely online if there’s someone who’d be willing to go with you..again, not begging for friends, just a warm body who is better known to the group, not asking for committment… and stand up to the facilitator if she becomes abusive? oh, wait, you get crickets. or a much older person trying to find out your real name, where you go to school, and what you look like and becoming abusive and hateful when you don’t share that information which is none of her fucking business in the first place with her. oh and then she ridicules everything you post because after being that overbearing and creepy, you don’t want to be her friend, HOW DARE YOU. other than that situation, clearly from which no good can come, crickets.
so yes, i am “bitter and angry”. and for a very good reason, thank you very much. bitterness and anger at pointless othering and people playing keep-away with information for no good or defensible reason is a natural human emotion, and i am not so foolish as to believe i am above emotion. consider the frustration level involved with a group that holds all the cards not letting you in the door and not coming to the window when you try to talk it out, and consider how this would make you feel.
if you’d like to write me off for the sin of emotion, be my guest, but at least attempt to understand what leads to this discontent rather than slagging me as “bitter and angry” and walking away.