I sold my dollhouse today.
My dollhouse was a token in my life, a reminder of the soul I thought I sold to transition.
My dollhouse was my vision of life: perfect, orderly, and, well, choate.
I clung to that vision for 20+ years. I wanted to be a perfect little doll in a perfect little house with a perfect little husband who didn’t know I was trans, because that’s what I was told I had to be. I hated myself for my failure at this. I don’t anymore.
My dollhouse was everything that was wrong with the idea of What I Was Supposed To Be. It’s been lurking too long, and about a week ago I decided that it needed to go during a moment of enlightenment I came back from visiting people who make up 1/3rd of my chosen family, my real family, last week. When I got home, I dug out the dollhouse, and put an ad for it online the night I got back.
And through the miracle of Craigslist, I turned one of the last reminders of the woman I was supposed to be, the woman other people wanted me to be…into $200.
I bought some beer, a couple of lottery tickets, some game time for my favorite MMO, and a new pair of jeans. I got a burrito and I put gas in my car. I got a fancy latte with “ganache” in it, whatever that is…it was $5!
The time had come to part with my dollhouse and to realize that my life is going forward and I finally have a chance to build me, the person I want to be, not the person I had to be. I’m free, dear reader. I can be somebody now, at long last.
And you’ve been part of that. Your love, your page views, and your meaningful commentary have helped me greatly.
But the time has come to close the book on Erica the blogger. See, I’m not inchoate anymore, so this just doesn’t work.
So this is the end of my blog. I shall be elsewhere, I shall be around, and maybe I’m that girl eating a burrito across from you. I will likely not be ordering any lattes with “ganache” because $5 coffee is not my thing.
I thank you all for the journey, and I wish you could see me smile as I say this was a first step, but it’s been a hell of a first step.
The “strong and free” wishing on a star that I made in my first post is no longer a wish but a reality. See, today I stand before you strong and free, and it’s time to stand back and amplify others to get them there, too. You see, I didn’t sell my soul, I merely mortgaged it, and today I paid it off.
Goodbye, dear readers. I love you all.
As for what next, to quote a Rush song that came out on an album released the day I got that dollhouse…
I’ll go with the wind, I’ll stand in the light.
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